Martin Crockett

You know you have been to Russia too long when…

1. You don’t think things are that bad right now.
2. You have to think twice about throwing away an empty instant coffee jar.
3. You carry a plastic shopping bag with you “just in case”.
4. You say he/she is “on the meeting” (instead of “at the” or “in the meeting).
5. You answer the phone by saying “allo, allo, allo” before giving the caller a chance to respond.
6. You save table scraps for the cats living in the courtyard.
7. When crossing the street, you sprint.
8. In winter, you choose your route by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you in the head.
9. You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga car.
10. You let the telephone ring at least 4 times before you pick it up because it is probably a miss-connection or electric fault.
11. You hear the radio say it is zero degrees outside and you think it is a nice day for a change.
12. You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 30 rubles ($1) to go 2 kilometers in a blizzard.
13. You actually know and CARE whether Spartak won last night.
14. You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
15. You are pleasantly surprised when there is toilet paper in the WC at work.
16. You look at people’s shoes to determine where they are from.
17. You automatically hand in your mace at the door before going through a metal detector.
18. You are pleasantly surprised when there is real wine in the bottle of Georgian Kinzmaruli you bought in a kiosk.
19. You notice that Flathead’s cell phone is smaller than yours and you’re jealous.
20. Your day seems brighter after seeing that goon’s Mercedes broadsides by a pensioner’s “Moskvich”.
21. You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.
22. Your not sure what to do you when the “GAI” (traffic cop) only asks you to pay the official fine.
23. You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.
24. You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional.
25. You plan your vacation around those times of the year when the hot water is turned off.
26. You are envious because your expatriate friend has smaller door keys than you have.
27. You ask for no ice in your drink.
28. You start using “da” instead of “yes”.
29. You go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity instead of recreation.
30. You develop a liking for beets.
31. You begin to socialize with your driver and/or your cleaning lady.
32. You know what Dostoyevsky’s favorite color was.
33. You start to believe that you’re a character in a Tolstoy novel.
34. You know seven people whose favorite novel is “The Master and Margarita”.
35. You change into tapki (slippers) and wash your hands as soon as you walk into your apartment.
36. You take a trip to Budapest and think you’ve been to heaven.
37. You start thinking of black bread as a good chaser for vodka.
38. You drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
39. You can read barcodes, and you start shopping for products by their country of production.
40. You begin to refer to locals as “nashy” (ours).
41. It doesn’t seem strange to pay the GAI $2.25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn, and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a crappy restaurant.
42. Your coffee cups habitually smell of vodka.
43. You know more than 60 Olgas.
44. You wear a wool hat in the sauna.
45. You put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.
46. You are rude to people at the airport for no reason.
47. You have to check your passport for an arrival-in-Russia date.
48. ‘Remont’, ‘pivo’ and ‘nalivai’ become integral parts of your vocabulary.
49. You are curious as to when they might start exporting Baltika beer to your home country.
50. Cigarette smoke becomes ‘tolerable’.
51. You think metal doors are a necessity.
52. You no longer feel like going to your “home” country.
53. You speak to other expats in your native language, but forget a few of the simplest words and throw in some Russian ones.
54. You remember how many kilos you weigh - but forget how many pounds.
55. A gallon of gasoline or milk seems like a foreign concept.
56. You no longer miss the foods you grew up with, and pass them up at foreign-owned supermarkets.
57. You actually enjoy shopping at the rynok, and you think that Ramstore is the most advanced supermarket you’ve ever been to.
58. You think that the Manezh is a real shopping mall.
59. You try paying a traffic fine on the spot and get arrested for attempted bribery.
60. You look for kvas and kefir in the supermarket, and ask to buy half a head of cabbage.
61. You see a car behind you with flashing lights and think it’s some politician.
62. You don’t feel guilty about not paying on the trolley.
63. You can sleep through a hangover without curtains on your windows.
64. The elevator aroma seems reassuring somehow.
65. You no longer think washing clothes in the bathtub is an inconvenience.
66. Your sister writes to you about the best prime rib she’s ever had and you can’t remember what it looks or tastes like.
67. The sellers at the rynok start calling you by your patronymic only.
68. You have had your clothes ruined by all the so-called Western style dry cleaners and have to start the cycle over again.
69. You bring your own scale and calculator to the market to make sure the amount you are charged is correct.
70. A weekend anywhere in the Baltics qualifies as a trip to the West.
71. You start buying Russian toilet paper.
72. You look in the mirror to turn away bad luck if you have to return home to pick something up you’ve forgotten.
73. You catch yourself whistling indoors and feel guilty.
74. You never smile in public when you’re alone.
75. When you save tea bags of Yorkshire Tea brought over especially from home to use for a second cup later…
76. When you go back to England and notice how frosty, unemotional, unsentimental and cold the Brits are and long to return to the warm rush of the Russian dusha.
77. When that strange pungent mix of odorous of stale sawdust, sweat and grime in the metro makes you feel safe and at home….
78. You are in awe that after 3 days home your shoes are still clean.
79. You get wildly offended when you are asked to pay at the coatcheck.
80. (For women) When you dress up in your best outfits for work and ride the metro.
81. When the word “salad” ceases for you to have anything to do with lettuce.
82. When mayonnaise becomes your dressing of choice.
83. When you begin paying attention to peoples’ floors and can distinguish the quality of linoleum and/or parquet, and thus determine social status, taste, and income e.g. embezzled, earned, pension, unpaid, etc.).
84. You get excited when the dentist smiles and has all his own teeth.
85. You do all your shopping at kiosks.
86. You judge the strength of your local Mafia clan by the availability of Planters CheesBalls.
87. You voluntarily take a stroll in the park, Baltica beer in hand, on a sub-zero day.
88. You laugh at Russian jokes.
89. You actually get these jokes.
90. You actually spend time writing these jokes!
91. When you go back to the “home country” you continue to “cross” the number 7.
92. You think it’s too hot, no matter what season you return.
93. You specify “no gas” when asking for mineral water.
94. Your friends have to keep reminding you that the word is “restroom”, not “toilet”.
95. You are dumbstruck when high school or college students wait on you with a smile, reciting a 90 second spiel on the “specials of the day” and display complete knowledge of the contents of each menu item…
96. You tip very little, even for great service.
97. You are surprised to see that the cooks in a Chinese restaurant are actually Chinese.
98. If you are still reading this, you definitely have been here too long.